I get so frustrated sometimes – like beyond frustrated. I found myself getting pretty emotional the other day thinking back on some of the ways i react, especially with my husband. For some reason i find it so easy to become impatient, or frustrated with him when he doesnt understand something i am trying to do or say. I become angry, and i become hostile. I dont yell. I dont name-call. I dont threaten or touch … but there is something about my mind and my demeanor that left me almost im tears hugging his neck and apologozing – even though he hadnt even noticed that i felt the way i did. I didnt do anything wrong to him, but i noticed the shift in myself, in my mind…and i was desperate to change it.
For those of you that know what its like dealing with mental illnesses, or complicated personality traits – maybe you can understand what its like to constantly worry. For me this battle begins and ends with GAD. General Anxiety Disorder. I hate to use these terms and i hate knowing that ive been tainted with this label, my body has been violated by these medicines, and at the end of the day all i want to be is strong. Stronger than my mind. Ive delt with some depression, as many of us have. We’re humans – and unless something terrible has taken over us we’re generally pretty emotional creatures.
I would say being in the military has definitely amped up my anxiety….not in the sense that im paranoid about life – but i always feel that theres something i need to so…somewhere i need to be. I constantly feel a pull between sleeping all day and relaxing (which is what i want to do) and getting up to make things happen.
I know im venting – but bare with me.
There was a time in my life when i remember absolutely no stress. I was spiritual, a busy full-time college student with two fur babies, i was working full time… so why should the “me” today be any different?
I tthink its very important to reflect on the people we surround ourselves with. Its hard to have a choice here, between who i spend time with and who i stay away from, because on this 9 month rotation we eat, sleep, & work together. Im literally doors down from people i dont like, and others i dont get. Looking back on those early college days i remembered something important about myself and it was that i was surrounded by good people.
I say this because not everyone in uniform is good. Not everyone that has raised their right hand for this country has good intentions. They are still human. They lie, they cheat, they steal….and i become so disheartened seeing the truth behind the faces of our country but it needs to be said. Protect yourself. I truly believe that my anxiety has come back because i have allowed myself to become prey to the people in this group that want to hurt and abuse friendship and opportunity….but if you find yourself there..dont let it change you ❤ be yourself. Be couragious. Be strong. Be kind.
I say all of this because my husband and i are both in the military – and i can be totally honest when i say it os very easy to let the military take a toll on our relationship. Its easy to bring work home, hours after the day has ended. Its easy to let our frustrations out on each other after a hard day at the company.
I really dont know how to explain the feeling of stress and responsibility that relates to how i feel with my time in sevice – but if youre going through a lot…and you feel that its getting the best of you – dont let it.
I know this is so simple…and maybe you dont care to read about my own struggle, but if you made it this far i hope at the very least you find these words encouraging.
There may be pain in the night,
But Joy comes in the morning. 💫